You know, one of the main reasons I hesitated to start a blog in the first place was because I wasn’t sure I could trust myself to remain consistent. I worry that I tend to run too hot or too cold—I have a hard time with the middle ground, the steady, the consistent. Like I always did when I was really high on an idea, I shoved those feelings down deep and did it anyway.
And now it looks like I knew myself pretty dang well all along. Except my reasoning would have been wrong. I didn’t quit because I was lazy. I didn’t quit because I was too busy. I quit because I didn’t know what to say.
The weird thing was, I’m a talker. I love meeting people. I love finding out their stories. I like asking questions. But as of February 2017, I slowly started to change.
In February of 2017, we decided the time was right (finally, & also ironically as it turns out) to start a family. As the months started to pass by, I became increasingly worried that something was wrong. Always a slight hypochondriac I tried to mentally reassure myself that it just takes longer for some people, a year is normal, blah blah blah. It didn’t help all that much, and with each passing month I felt worse and worse. In November, I decided it was time to consult the experts. If something WAS wrong, I wanted to know sooner rather than later. We were diagnosed with infertility and started seeing specialists.
The last thing I wanted to do was blog. What did I have to say about fashion? I didn’t care what I wore anymore. I came home from work and crawled into my bed or sat on the couch eating my feelings. I stopped working out regularly. I withdrew into myself, making myself miserable looking at everyone else’s picture-perfect Instagrams & pregnancy announcements (insert eye-rolling emoji here…why do we all have to pretend to have it all together on the ‘Gram??) and trying to come to terms with my dying dreams for our family.
Does that sound dramatic? Maybe it is, a little. But it’s how I felt. I remember the first time I ever read an acquaintance’s infertility blog. I was really young, maybe 22. I couldn’t relate even one tiny bit. I remember thinking that she sounded so bitter. I worried that if I even got up enough courage to write about our struggle people would think the same thing about me. As I’d bump into people and they’d ask me about the blog (this happened like twice, haha, so thanks to the 2 of you for reading 😉 I tried to casually shrug it off and make vague excuses. It wasn’t like I could just launch into the whole infertility-bit. No one wants that. That’s not the kind of answer one would be expecting to a reasonable, seemingly unrelated question.
I didn’t want to blog about infertility. I didn’t want to have fertility issues. However, while I don’t want it to be the purpose for this blog, it’s now a pretty large part of who I am. We had the amazing opportunity to attend a faith-based infertility conference this past weekend called Choose Joy. Attending brought me so much healing, so much peace, and renewed faith. There were a few things that I learned that I will forever file away in my heart for the hard days. One of them came from my insta-friend Jordan Tate. She and her husband led one of the sessions I attended (and she’s actually how I found out about Choose Joy in the first place!). She said something that just really struck me. We were discussing how one thing you want when you are grieving and struggling through a season of loss is to feel “normal.” You want to feel like your old self again. I couldn’t bring myself to blog because I didn’t feel like me. I didn’t have that same light-hearted spirit interested in cute cutoffs & rompers. I kept waiting to feel like me again, mentally beating myself up when I didn’t. I believed the lies I told myself, like “if I had more faith I wouldn’t be feeling so sad.” Through Jordan, I learned that the Lord uses difficult experiences to change who we are and to change our relationship with Him (by the way, she also writes over on Kindred + Co so go check that out, too!). I would never be the same me I used to be. I would have a “new normal.” Since we aren’t all the way through to the other side of infertility yet, I suppose I can’t fully say how my new normal will be. I can say that this has opened my eyes to the hardships and struggles others may be facing (fertility related or otherwise). It has changed how comfortable I am with reaching out to others—both to offer support and to ASK for support. It has changed how I view friendship and how I want to treat others as a friend.
I’ve given a lot of thought to how I could reconcile talking about infertility while also keeping this blog somewhat true to its original purpose. I didn’t take a lot of Insta-worthy photos over the past few months. I just didn’t have it in me to attempt to stage pretty photos and to pretend like everything was normal when it wasn’t. However, on particularly bad days I may have been guilty of a little retail therapy. For instance, last week before I was set to travel to Boston, I found out one of my new fertility medications needed to be kept refrigerated. Now there’s a fun thing to pack in your travel bag. I decided that if anything deserved a cute new bag/carry-on, it was this. I ended up purchasing this adorable little Rebecca Minkoff backpack (pictured below) and am obsessed! It’s small and lightweight, but beautifully hid my little lunchbox filled with ice packs. I purchased it in black, but it’s available in several different colors and patterns. Practical AND fashionable. What a win. I’ll link a few other things I packed and wore for my trip. It was a whirlwind three days, but amazing as always. Side note: if you’re interested in more Boston recs, check out this post.
Left to Right, Top to Bottom: Vestique Tourista Fashionista top, Target Keava Footbed Sandal, Vestique Sneakin’ Around Sneakers, Vestique Well Balanced Tee, Nordstrom Rebecca Minkoff Julian Nylon Backpack
Thanks for sticking with me through the dry spell. Now that I’m understanding what this “new normal” is, I am going to try my best to be a little more consistent. It may be more “backpacks that successfully hide fertility meds” than “cute rompers for Cabo” but one of my goals has always been to keep things real.
Thanks for reading. Love to you all!